I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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