This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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