When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This is the high leading the old right now
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
