Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
then he tried to convert me to islam
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
