I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
