Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
