They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
