you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
