i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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