I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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