dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
