Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
