I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
