mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
