batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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