My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
