I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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