i jhust puked up my retainher.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
