You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
