He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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