Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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