Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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