I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
