david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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