You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
