His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
