Only a mothe r could love this liver
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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