Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
