the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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