we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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