haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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