She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
