im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
