I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
