I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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