what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
