I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
