Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
