you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
