I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
