4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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