we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You can't just leave with hair like that
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
