There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
