Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You are a genius and a whore.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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