I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
