Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
