I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
