It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
