70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
