I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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