Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
