Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
