Jerry, you need to find god
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
