we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
